orangery (mine)

I got a house!

And I went on a date!

And I decided for definite sure to go to grad school in English and be a professor!

And I ate sushi with Meg!

These are all the things that have happened in the past few days. Which shows you that it has been an eventful few days. Actually I didn't realize how eventful until my boss asked me this morning how my weekend went and I had to spend a full five minutes describing what happened. And I felt guilty for wasting work time, but it really took that long to explain.

So. House first. The house is...well...it's kind of dilapidated looking on the outside. It needs paint, and probably a new roof, and definitely a new porch. But it's beautiful inside: hardwood floors (good ones) and fireplaces in all the rooms, and two porches and a side yard and a bathroom and a half and a basement and pretty light-fixtures and spacious high ceilings. And it's close to school and $450 a month, which is quite low. And best of all, the landlords agreed readily to a six-month lease, and they're letting us move in when the want -- all of which suits us very well.

So soon, Anna Squared (both my future housemates are named Anna) and I will be moving in together! In December or January. And it will be a very cool household.

Actually -- it will be cool not only to us, but to everyone else, I suspect. See, I'm having a new experience here: I seem, actually, to be cool. Specifically, Anna and Anna and I are cool. If there's action happening, for instance, we're in it. And if there's action happening and we're not in it someone calls us. And when we had a party, everybody came. Because it was our party. It's just...well. I suppose in a program in which everyone, of necessity, must be a nerd, some nerds will then be elevated to the cool nerd status. And, weirdly, that seems to be us. This has certainly never happened to me before. I've always been so out of the loop!

But there is the power of nerddom at work.

Which leads to the date: it was a nerd-date. With the sales/bookings manager for the theatre, who came to our party (it was a Halloween party, and it was a damn good Halloween party, actually) dressed in a star trek uniform, and so of course we talked trek. And then it turned out we were both fluent in the language of nerd, and then he asked me out, and I said yes.

The date was fine, and he's a nice guy, and we really do like all the same things, but mostly I am just impressed by the power of nerd-connection. I think there are few things stronger than the bond of the geek. It's like a whole world you share, which is a pretty strong thing, and unlike sharing, say, a job, you're likely to be extremely passionate about it. That's why conventions work so well. You already have this bond. You're already part of a larger nerd-culture.

I guess, actually, I'm just talking about culture in the end, but since culture is such an elusive thing in our society, it's nice to find it wherever you can.

And the decision. Yes. I'm ready. I'm ready to be an academic. I'm ready to go where I suppose in my heart I always knew I would. Things have come to a head here and, well, I hate this program. I love the people in it, but I hate this program. I hate the work I'm doing here, for the most part, and I'm unhappy because I can't do the work -- with meaning and symbol and theme -- that I want to do.

And I think I've also finally proven soemthing to myself. See, here, people tend to treat me as if I could act. Which I can. I can act. That's very important. Because, see, in the past, I've spent a lot of time thinking I must just be deluded and I can't act -- and therefore it seemed that if I chose academics over acting it would be because I had to, not because it was my choice. Do you see?

But here, I think I've finally been able to see that, yes, I could for sure do it. It would take a lot of effort on my part, but I could definitely work as an actress. And I could be good.

Which, perversely, allows me to not choose it. I had to have the choice. And now I've had it. And I've chosen.

And I'm happy. I'm stressed and unhappy about how stressed I am -- and I'm still filled with hate a lot (this is something I need to work on. When I have time), but I'm happy, on a global scale, with my choice.

I needed these three years. I needed them to learn about how I make choices, so I could make this important one and know what I was doing. I needed, in some way, not to be myself for a while so I could know who I was for sure when I came back. A trial separation with myself, maybe.

So. Anyway. I did all that, and then I had sushi with Meg and it was delicious, and then I came back here and read a play by Dekker. (Which, incidentally, I love now. I had never even remotely heard of Match Me in London, but it's wonderful! Very transparent. Very exciting. Terrible deus ex machina, but I even love that. My spite in choosing an obscure play because I thought the assignment was stupid is foiled.)

And now I really have to go back to the Dekker and write about it. Damn. Just as the loud girls have finally left the computer lab. But I have no more excuses. At least with our cheap house I will now be able to get internet, I think. At last!